You have probably seen in the news by now that Jason Kander has decided not to run for Kansas City Mayor in this year's election. It has become national news despite being a mayoral race in a mid-sized city in the middle of fly over country. I learned of Jason's decision when an email hit my inbox (full email can be found at the bottom of this blog post). I read through it and it hit me.
This is the letter I would have written 2 years ago.
His story was so similar to mine at the time I finally admitted I had PTSD, if I would have read it then I would have been startled. I had spent the previous 10 years denying there were any issues left over from my deployment. Seeing all the veteran amputee and burn victims in the marketing material of different Veteran Service Organizations and not wanting to take the spot of someone who needed it more. I had let my pride of not having PTSD blind me to the symptoms I was experiencing.
Today, I am not surprised by what Jason wrote. I have heard it from too many veterans and first responders. It is what is killing us. When we are constantly living in fear of being exposed we are not living fully, not sharing ourselves with those we love completely. That begins to erode relationships, erode your idea of yourself, drive you into isolation and depression. That is why I am so thankful Jason had the courage to write what he did. To share with others they are not alone in this struggle and it is okay to seek help.
Thank you Jason for showing true strength through your vulnerability. For voicing what so many silently feel. For recognizing that self-care is needed to continue caring for others. We thank you for your service to our country and community, and as a community, we look forward to providing you and your family with the support needed to heal from those moral injuries brought on by your service.
ABOUT THE BATTLE WITHIN
Born from a group of veteran and first responders seeking to overcome Post-traumatic Stress (PTS). With a holistic set of evidence based tools and training we provide warriors with lifestyle changes needed for long-term healing. This rich community of fellow warriors provides the ongoing support needed to develop these skills into healing habits that affect the mind, body and soul.
Apply today to begin your journey at: mybattlewithin.org/apply
Email from Jason's mayoral campaign
About four months ago, I contacted the VA to get help. It had been about 11 years since I left Afghanistan as an Army Intelligence Officer, and my tour over there still impacted me every day. So many men and women who served our country did so much more than me and were in so much more danger than I was on my four-month tour. I can’t have PTSD, I told myself, because I didn’t earn it.
But, on some level, I knew something was deeply wrong, and that it hadn’t felt that way before my deployment. After 11 years of this, I finally took a step toward dealing with it, but I didn’t step far enough.
I went online and filled out the VA forms, but I left boxes unchecked – too scared to acknowledge my true symptoms. I knew I needed help and yet I still stopped short. I was afraid of the stigma. I was thinking about what it could mean for my political future if someone found out.
That was stupid, and things have gotten even worse since.
By all objective measures, things have been going well for me the past few months. My first book became a New York Times Bestseller in August. Let America Vote has been incredibly effective, knocking on hundreds of thousands of doors and making hundreds of thousands of phone calls. I know that our work is making a big difference. And last Tuesday, I found out that we were going to raise more money than any Kansas City mayoral campaign ever has in a single quarter. But instead of celebrating that accomplishment, I found myself on the phone with the VA’s Veterans Crisis Line, tearfully conceding that, yes, I have had suicidal thoughts. And it wasn’t the first time.
I’m done hiding this from myself and from the world. When I wrote in my book that I was lucky to not have PTSD, I was just trying to convince myself. And I wasn’t sharing the full picture. I still have nightmares. I am depressed.
Instead of dealing with these issues, I’ve always tried to find a way around them. Most recently, I thought that if I could come home and work for the city I love so much as its mayor, I could finally solve my problems. I thought if I focused exclusively on service to my neighbors in my hometown, that I could fill the hole inside of me. But it’s just getting worse.
So after 11 years of trying to outrun depression and PTSD symptoms, I have finally concluded that it’s faster than me. That I have to stop running, turn around, and confront it.
I finally went to the VA in Kansas City yesterday and have started the process to get help there regularly. To allow me to concentrate on my mental health, I’ve decided that I will not be running for mayor of Kansas City. I truly appreciate all the support so many people in Kansas City and across the country have shown me since I started this campaign. But I can’t work on myself and run a campaign the way I want to at the same time, so I’m choosing to work on my depression.
I’ll also be taking a step back from day-to-day operations at Let America Vote for the time being, but the organization will continue moving forward. We are doing vital work across the country to stop voter suppression and will keep doing so through November and beyond.
Having made the decision not to run for mayor, my next question was whether I would be public about the reason why. I decided to be public for two reasons: First, I think being honest will help me through this. And second, I hope it helps veterans and everyone else across the country working through mental health issues realize that you don’t have to try to solve it on your own. Most people probably didn’t see me as someone that could be depressed and have had PTSD symptoms for over decade, but I am and I have. If you’re struggling with something similar, it’s OK. That doesn’t make you less of a person.
I wish I would have sought help sooner, so if me going public with my struggle makes just one person seek assistance, doing this publicly is worth it to me. The VA Crisis Line is 1-800-273-8255, and non-veterans can use that number as well.
I’ll close by saying this isn’t goodbye. Once I work through my mental health challenges, I fully intend to be working shoulder to shoulder with all of you again. But I’m passing my oar to you for a bit. I hope you’ll grab it and fight like hell to make this country the place we know it can be.